clarity

an unedited thought or two that used to be private, but are now public because it's 3:30AM and it feels like the right thing to do

i sometimes wonder if the thoughts i'm having can't be pinned down by words. what if there is no distinct word that exists to fulfill a meaning? how much truth and understanding are we losing out on by language barriers alone? what if there is a whole entire scope of reality that we have no way to comprehend, simply because we don't have the words? THOSE are the things i want to write about. to be ABLE to write about. i want to find those words. the ones that we don't have.

but for now, music does the job.
 
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and the cycle repeats itself. every single time, it never fails. i get so out of the school and "people i know" element and absolutely love it. then i get back to real life and loathe my very existence in it. i KNOW i need the degree, i KNOW i need the schooling, i KNOW i'm not actually going to drop out... but it's so easy. it's right there. if i wanted to, i could reach out and grab it so easily. and i want it SO FUCKING BAD.

i just can't even begin to explain the pure joy that i feel when i'm in this element of band related groups of people. it illuminates something within me and i know it's where i belong. i know deep deep down in the very essence of my soul, that i belong amongst these people. because they make me want to cry tears of joy every single minute i'm with them. i am overflowing with it; with love, respect, awe, and everything else happy and perfect. and i know it's not like that all the time. but i know i could live it. i know it. and i want it so bad. but now i'm back here, home alone, trying so hard to process everything that has happened in the past twenty four hours and there's but one face that i absolutely can't get out of my head. and i hate being back here. back in this shitty reality of 9-5.