to be happy now

i can't believe i'm already two weeks into the semester. time flies when you're... okay so i'm not having fun getting up at seven in the morning per se... but whatevs. time has flown and that's a fact. i'm feeling pretty confident about this semester and the somewhat destructive sleep schedule really isn't too bad. classes seem to be going alright so far and i absolutely love my philosophy professor. this is probably the first time in my life that i've felt genuine excitement about going to class, and disappointment when the hour and fifteen minutes are up. i'm also appreciating the fact that the majority of my homework is merely reading. yes, it's close to three hours ever night, but at least i'm not pumping out differential equations. but enough about classes. here's a laundry list of other things that have been going on in my life:

i'm graduating a semester early, so december '11, here i come. [who wants to hire me? no seriously.] lucky for me, i transferred in enough credits from highschool as to where i'm plenty ahead. SCORE. get me the fuck outta here as soon as possible please and thanks.

the internship with building rome has been going pretty well, and i scored my first big interview just the other day.

i've rediscovered my love for reading, and i've been eating lots of fruits and vegetables because i WANT to. [perhaps a sign of maturity?]

speaking of reading, i have begun the colossal task of wading through atlas shrugged. and although it's bringing up more questions than answers right now, and has left me in a slight state of psychological distress, i'm trying to work on that virtue called patience and just keep at it.

there have also been numerous musically inclined freak-outs over the past few days. one - the cavashawn/state and madison/the heyday show was finally confirmed in st. louis. two - good old war is opening for circa survive. three - i actually have a show buddy for said circa show in st. louis. four - i have discovered strikegently.com. five - building rome nabbed the opening spot for the story of the year cd release show.

//end list. and although that's a fairly positive list and classes are indeed going well, there's still that anxiety that comes creeping back into my head when everything in life gets going again. i stress over ridiculous things, overanalyze to the point of insanity, make mental lists and check them over and over and over, can't fall asleep because of all of the above, and in general get pretty crazy. BUT. i'm working on it. and hopefully i will get better at it.

things to come

so this is it. the end of break. the longest break EVER, in fact. nashville feels like ages ago, as does christmas and new years, and even chicago. but i'm ready for new things, i'm ready to see what this semester will bring. and i'm very ready to have structure in my life again. i love staying up until five am and sleeping until two in the afternoon. i love watching tv and reading all day long and drinking coffee at my little hideouts all night long. but let's face it, the rest of the world just doesn't operate on that kind of schedule. school is only sort-of going to fix that problem, though. monday, wednesday, friday: i'll be on campus from nine to three. but tuesday, thursday: i only have one class and it's at three thirty. commence utterly ridiculous sleeping schedule. here are a couple listy lists for your curiosity and for my ocd.

classes:
english 3210 – british lit: romanticism – present
english 3300 – american lit: beginning – 1865
english 4940 – internship in english
philosophy 3200 – modern philosophy
sociology 1120 – population and ecology
french 2100 – french 3

upcoming shows:
2/19 - jacks mannequin and fun in KC
2/23 - life in jersey in columbia
3/2 - avett brothers in columbia
3/6 - we the living in st. louis
3/12 - state & madison, cavashawn and the heyday in st. louis
3/16 - company of thieves and civil twilight in st. louis
3/18 - copeland in lawrence
3/19 - manchester orchestra and biffy clyro in KC
3/22 - good old war and circa survive in st. louis
3/24 - portugal. the man in columbia

so there you have it. my life for the next few months in two neat little lists.

p.s. new e-mail address. i now have a personal account with gmail, and it makes me feel super cool. so go and send me something, i absolutely love getting mail. devonlmueller@gmail.com

clarity

an unedited thought or two that used to be private, but are now public because it's 3:30AM and it feels like the right thing to do

i sometimes wonder if the thoughts i'm having can't be pinned down by words. what if there is no distinct word that exists to fulfill a meaning? how much truth and understanding are we losing out on by language barriers alone? what if there is a whole entire scope of reality that we have no way to comprehend, simply because we don't have the words? THOSE are the things i want to write about. to be ABLE to write about. i want to find those words. the ones that we don't have.

but for now, music does the job.
 
-----
 
and the cycle repeats itself. every single time, it never fails. i get so out of the school and "people i know" element and absolutely love it. then i get back to real life and loathe my very existence in it. i KNOW i need the degree, i KNOW i need the schooling, i KNOW i'm not actually going to drop out... but it's so easy. it's right there. if i wanted to, i could reach out and grab it so easily. and i want it SO FUCKING BAD.

i just can't even begin to explain the pure joy that i feel when i'm in this element of band related groups of people. it illuminates something within me and i know it's where i belong. i know deep deep down in the very essence of my soul, that i belong amongst these people. because they make me want to cry tears of joy every single minute i'm with them. i am overflowing with it; with love, respect, awe, and everything else happy and perfect. and i know it's not like that all the time. but i know i could live it. i know it. and i want it so bad. but now i'm back here, home alone, trying so hard to process everything that has happened in the past twenty four hours and there's but one face that i absolutely can't get out of my head. and i hate being back here. back in this shitty reality of 9-5.

wanting it

"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it's yours."

[One Tree Hill likes Rand too.]

chicago (day two): epiphanies of epic proportions

same chicago trip,  different day. but the content is so radically different that i felt like these words needed to be separated by more than just a line break or two. while everyone else was headed back to their respective homes, i was headed to la grange to reunite with the silver siblings. we got lunch and had ourselves a grand old time. it's so strange to me that i met nora a few short months ago, and ryan just a couple weeks ago. naturally, since nora gets paid to play band mom, we talked about we the living and it dawned on me i'd be missing the we cast if i drove the five hours home. so i said "what the hell" and decided to stay the rest of the evening. we went and saw youth in revolt, bought arrested development (what have i gotten myself into?) and waited for seven to roll around. shenanigans of course ensued and the broadcast was quite entertaining. i may have gotten myself into a small but highly entertaining mess and i'm surprised i didn't get an angry phone call post broadcast. [matt + geneveive = <#?] jokes my friends. only jokes.

so nora and i ended up just sitting around talking. about all of it. friends, highschool, college, bands, shows, and everything in between. it was a good two hours later when i realized it was ten and there was no way i was driving home. so we decided to get some dinner and probably sat there for another hour and talked. we then headed home, only to sit in the driveway for a good forty-five minutes and talk some more. and i tell you what, i think i've finally met someone who feels exactly the same way i do about we the living. [cue everyone's "ewww fangirl" thoughts] but really. i say it all the time, but there's just something about them that makes me happy to be around them. one hundred percent happy, and totally inspired. and not just about their music. about who they are as people, their outlook on life, how smart they are. i'll spare you from all the gushing, but we eventually ended up on the heavy topics of religion and philosophy and losing loved one's and economics, and in that car at that moment, i felt like everything in life made perfect sense. somebody else actually agreed with me on all of these topics and i couldn't believe it. it was as if i had suddenly figured It out. I'm not even sure what that means even, but it's like i had the answers to life and all of it's existential questions. eveything was so clear and i could suddenly see how stupid this country is, this economy is, how stupid we can act as human beings. the right things were so clear to me, and the wrong things were so blatantly obvious. i'm not really sure what happened to me that night, but something seriously clicked. i understand where my drive comes from, where my passion comes from. and i get why this band works. it's about knowledge and it's about work ethic. and it's about passion and making It happen. it's about keeping that fire within you going and making it work for you.

so this time, instead of coming home on my usual music/show/roadtrip high and eventually watching it fade away, this time it will be different. the clarity i have is here to stay and i am determined to make this work. i am determined, i am motivated, i want to learn and explore and find answers to everything that flits around in my brain. things are going to change and it's gonna be a good thing. watch out world, i've got clairty for once and i'm gonna use it.

"...but if It's there, you can feel it. I think It is the key to life and happiness; it separates the Few from a world of death and sadness. The Few who have It are people that Want something and who are willing to Fight for it. The Fight is it. The Means are the End. The Ends we think we're going for are made of dust."

chicago (day one): treaty of paris cd release show

another roadtrip to chicago! and it came at a great time too, i was about to lose my sanity in st. louis. break has been nice and relaxing, don't get me wrong. but i can only sit at home and refresh twitter so many times a night before i get bored... and switch to facebook and refresh for a while... 

i had originally planned to go up on friday to see the noise fm play, but that didn't exactly work out. one, lawrence kansas got hit with a lot of snow and the highways were impassable. two, one member had the flu with no signs of a quick recovery. so i decided to just wait and drive up saturday morning. meesh, amanda, chelsey and i all got a hotel together and oh boy, did we have a time of it. four girls primping for a show at the same time... (pause a moment and picture it, giggle, move on) i'm sure it was funny. we headed down to metro, got a killer parking spot and met up with all 6947397 friends i have somehow accumulated in this city; notable people including sam, steph, nikki, liz, molly, and claire. the victory gins played first - not too bad, but nothing spectacular. last fast action was up second - they were a lot of fun and it was great finally seeing them play. i've met a few of the members and have seen them around at countless shows. it was nice to put... faces to a band? does that even make sense? anyway, the insecurities were next and i really enjoyed them. next was am taxi, and holy shit. i've heard a lot about them from friends and bands alike, but wow. their live set was amazing. and finally, treaty of paris. the crowd was pretty packed in by the time they played and it was so neat to be able to look around and know so many people. i'm not even FROM chicago and i feel a sense of unity with these people. so cool. we decided later that it was probably at 80-90 percent capacity; rough guess. but anyways. the show itself was incredible. there were balloons, confetti cannons, giant animals running around and stage diving, and my favorite part was probably the "cover" of the dog and everything's song hey luv. dan and augie from last fast action were originally members of the dog, so it was really cool to hear them play an old song of theirs for the first time in forever with members of treaty. so that was that. mass chaos of course ensued afterwards. i got quicks hellos and hugs from nick and tony, saw veronica and sonja, and chatted with mike for a while in the merch room. we snapped some pictures, stood outside in the cold for way too long talking to half of cavashawn, and FINALLY made our way to buffalo wild wings for some dinner. all sixteen of us. it was an adventure, let me tell you. we eventually made it back to our hotel, drank some peach champagne (absolutely amazing) and wine, had some obligatory girl talk and passed out.

[meesh, chelsey, dan, amanda and me]

[confetti!]

i had such a great time with such great people; i couldn't have asked for a better chicago show. the scene in that city never ceases to amaze me. the fact that five bands filled up metro, and they were all locals, will never cease to amaze me. and the way in which i happen to make friends, see them every few months or so, and still feel close with them, will never cease to amaze me. i absolutely love it.

so this must be it, welcome to the new year

corny motion city soundtrack title, you say? sorry, i couldn't think of anything better. but without further ado, here it is. the official "looking back on 2009/here's to new things in 2010" post.

i can't really say that 2009 was my year or anything that extreme. but it was definitely a memorable one, and probably one of the happiest i've had in quite some time. i definitely feel like i have more direction in my life than i've had in previous years. i'm a sophomore in college. [i haven't dropped out yet.] i'm an english major and actually enjoying it so far. i've met lots of new bands this year, and countless new friends all across the country because of them. i made it to fifty-five shows. [that's a little more than a show a week.] you can call me whatever you like because of that, but music is my passion and it's as simple as that. no other explanation. and when i look back at my "resolutions" post from last year, i am confident that i did i pretty damn good job. i did things for me - things that made me happy - and tried my best not to worry about other people, in two different aspects. one - by not bending over backwards time and time again for people who don't reciprocate, or at least appreciate it. and two - by not letting what others thought about me get in the way of what i wanted to do. and i also discovered that music is not only my passion and a part of my very identity, but have been slowly learning about how that can be given real-world application. [read: current internship] i can't say i passed with flying colors, but progress was made last year and i'm happy with it.

as for this year, i'm not really sure... there has without a doubt been a lot of brooding going on over break. it's just what happens when i'm home alone for a solid month. and i think i've come to a few conclusions. nothing super concrete, but it's something nonetheless. i've come to realize that there isn't much tying me down to st. louis anymore. i came home for break with intentions of hanging out with all these friends and reconnecting with people i hadn't seen in ages. i'm not sure what kind of grand plans i had in mind, but what happened was nothing even close. besides the trip to nashville and soon-to-be trip to chicago, i've basically been hibernating and spending quality time with my laptop and Netflix DVD's. and being alone has taught me a lot. it's taught me to think purely for myself, and not with others in the back of my mind. it's taught me to be self-sufficient and do what makes me happy. if there's no one else around, there's no one to judge me and no one to tell me 'no, you can't do that'. so i guess what i'm trying to say, is that all of this is wrapping up nicely in my head - with the thoughts of nothing tying me to st. louis, [or columbia for that matter] i am free to go wherever i please. and do whatever i please. and since i have no real connections in these cities, i can go where i DO have connections, specifically, music connections. and where are those places, you ask? well if you know me and/or read this blog, it shouldn't be hard to figure out.

so what am i trying to say here? i'm not even sure, to be honest. but here's what i know. i know that as much as i complain about the uselessness of school, i want that piece of paper. i want that degree. and i'm getting it in english because that's the next best thing. the degree is the back-up plan. the musically-involved connections are the real plan. as for this year - the start of a new decade - i plan to keep on moving forward. a friend was telling me the other day just how different i was from the rest of our little group. everyone but me has been in a longterm relationship; i'm always the single one and always feeling the weight of that. but she was explaining to me that everyone else is willing to just graduate college, get married, and settle down in a house with their family. "you're unique you still have big plans for your life and they're different than ours. you haven't found the guy for you yet, because you're not even in your element yet." everything she said painted this really clear picture, and i like it. and i'm excited. so this year, i'm gonna keep doing what i'm doing. i might be going against the grain and against the ways of society, but i'm okay with that, i'm comfortable with that. because i have so many amazing people backing me up. so thank you friends, thanks for inspiring me. you know who you are.

2010, i'm ready to take you on for everything you're worth.
i will be honest.
i will be hard-working.
i will be sincere.
i will be passionate.
i will be myself.
i will love.
and most of all, i will discover.

"learn to value yourself, which means: to fight for your happiness."