oh chicago. are you ever going to give me even so much as a chance to like you? first it was negative temperatures. this time, pouring rain and three inches of snow. lovely. someday, you shall redeem yourself. someday soon i hope.
i left st. louis saturday morning, drove the five hours on I-55, and arrived in chicago in the same pouring rain. what a drive, let me tell you. michele, amanda and i freshened up a bit and headed over to mojoe's for what was one of the best nights i've had in a long time. a great ska band opened, cavashawn rocked my face off next, and then state & madison. i think all three of us were done standing in a sea of smelly people by that time, so we ventured our way back to the merch/coffee shop area. [danger is my middle name and the frantic were up next.] the chicago scene never ceases to amaze me; i bet we stood around and talked to various important people, friends and band members for a good three hours. [and i'm pretty sure benton stole a solid hour for himself.] oh the gossip. it was certainly entertaining. we had dinner at steak n shake after the show with the cavashawn boys, jesse's adorable girlfriend chelsea, and michele's mom who is absolutely amazing and ended up picking up the tab for everyone. yes, everyone. she's amazing. we crashed hard that night, i got no sleep thanks to much snoring, and we were up at eight thirty the next morning to take full advantage of free continental breakfast. i was on my way back to columbia in the snow by nine thirty, not at all happy about the six or so hours ahead of me. but it went quicker than i thought, and taking some backroads proved to be a lot faster and far prettier than any highway i could have chosen. during those six hours, i fell madly in love with jack's mannequin again, had some profound thoughts that i have since forgotten, and ate an entire bag of chex mix. riveting, i know.
so now i'm back at school, trying to resist the inevitable groove of stressed out college life. i'm already behind, how does this happen? but i'm trying to keep my head up and continually remind myself of the mere six weeks left, and then finals. that's it. i can do it. ludo and my birthday this weekend, easter the next, cavashawn in chicago again three weeks after that, then finals, jack's mannequin and i'm out of here. i'm entirely capable.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
every burden has a version
there are so many of me. i am so many different people. and i'm not sure what to do about it. i'm trying so hard to figure out who i am and what i want, and what i should want - my morals, my friends, who and what to cherish the most; who and what to put the most of my effort into. it's hard enough asking these questions of myself, but it's even harder when i have friends begging answers to the same questions. because i don't know. plain and simple. i don’t know.
i feel like i have multiple personalities.
there's the goody two shoes, perfectionist with a 4.32 gpa girl from high school, there's the “ i’m better than all of you” bitch that lived and breathed gymnastics, there's the too crazy, too care-free, pot smoking girl from this summer, there’s the socialite who thrives at concerts and in music-related situations, and now there's me in the here and now, trying to comprehend all of these personalities, trying to decide which one is the best. and most of all, which one will make the most people the most happy. because that's all i seem to be able to care about. i make myself miserable by trying to make other people happy. i want everyone to like me. i want everyone to be friends. when it comes to guilt and regret, I run into big problems. i feel guilty no matter what i do, no matter which person i choose to be. because none of those personalities can please everyone, none of them can please every person from every facet of my life. and frankly, few of them even please me anymore. it's just not working. and it absolutely kills me. i feel bad for letting some people go, i feel bad for keeping some people around. i'm frustrated. i’m frustrated because i’m frustrating all the people i love the very most, and they're getting to the point where they're sick of waiting around. and i understand, i really do. but i absolutely can't afford to lose them. i've come to realize that i'm growing up and growing out of some friendships. and that's fine. i get it. i get that we're not friends anymore. you don't need to pretend. but there are a select few that i NEED in order to function.
i. am. stuck.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
an update on my resolution at the beginning of this blog, from january 6th.
as requested.
after rereading that post, i realize just how many circles i've gone in. sometimes i really can see the light at the end of the tunnel. sometimes it's so bright i even have to take a few steps back. other times i feel like i've regressed. but overall, i feel i've made some progress.
the friends that resentment was being harbored for, there are still problems with. but i've reached a point of maturity i think, where talking face to face about things is no longer an issue. this is a big step for me, i'm never one for direct confrontation. i'd much rather have a catfight via text or facebook message. but i've learned plenty of lessons from that. and believe me, it's not a good idea. face to face conversations are the best way to solve any sort of issue hands down. i have learned a lot about communication and honesty in the past four months, and it's definitely a good thing.
i am indeed still terrified of the future, and i am indeed still lacking concrete hobbies and college friends, but i feel that the fuzzy lense i was seeing all of these things through, i am slowly learning how to focus. i don't necessarily have answers for these problems, but i'm learning to cope with them and i'm learning to explore them. i have a clearer knowledge of what i want, and how to get it. and i'm trying my best to do what's right for my future and not let fears get in the way. it's a slow process that will most likely take years - after all, you can't plan your future in one brainstorming session - but i feel that things are slowly being sorted out. i'm just hoping that eventually everything will make sense and i will have a sense of accomplishment when all is said and done.
and although it's a constant struggle, i'm trying my best to cope with feelings of guilt and regret. they are my two biggest vices, but i think i've come to some conclusions. i'm learning to not regret things you’ve done, but to regret the things you haven’t done. always take chances that you're curious about. proceed with caution though, because guilt is different. there's a very fine line there. don’t try something that will test your most sacred morals; once you test those, you’ll be scarred for a very long time, and that's what i'm currently working on. guilt is harsh but i believe it's possible to heal with time.
i will continue my quest for joy, and i'm sure the spring and summer months will indeed bring plenty.
i feel like i have multiple personalities.
there's the goody two shoes, perfectionist with a 4.32 gpa girl from high school, there's the “ i’m better than all of you” bitch that lived and breathed gymnastics, there's the too crazy, too care-free, pot smoking girl from this summer, there’s the socialite who thrives at concerts and in music-related situations, and now there's me in the here and now, trying to comprehend all of these personalities, trying to decide which one is the best. and most of all, which one will make the most people the most happy. because that's all i seem to be able to care about. i make myself miserable by trying to make other people happy. i want everyone to like me. i want everyone to be friends. when it comes to guilt and regret, I run into big problems. i feel guilty no matter what i do, no matter which person i choose to be. because none of those personalities can please everyone, none of them can please every person from every facet of my life. and frankly, few of them even please me anymore. it's just not working. and it absolutely kills me. i feel bad for letting some people go, i feel bad for keeping some people around. i'm frustrated. i’m frustrated because i’m frustrating all the people i love the very most, and they're getting to the point where they're sick of waiting around. and i understand, i really do. but i absolutely can't afford to lose them. i've come to realize that i'm growing up and growing out of some friendships. and that's fine. i get it. i get that we're not friends anymore. you don't need to pretend. but there are a select few that i NEED in order to function.
i. am. stuck.
______________________________________________________________________________________________________
an update on my resolution at the beginning of this blog, from january 6th.
as requested.
after rereading that post, i realize just how many circles i've gone in. sometimes i really can see the light at the end of the tunnel. sometimes it's so bright i even have to take a few steps back. other times i feel like i've regressed. but overall, i feel i've made some progress.
the friends that resentment was being harbored for, there are still problems with. but i've reached a point of maturity i think, where talking face to face about things is no longer an issue. this is a big step for me, i'm never one for direct confrontation. i'd much rather have a catfight via text or facebook message. but i've learned plenty of lessons from that. and believe me, it's not a good idea. face to face conversations are the best way to solve any sort of issue hands down. i have learned a lot about communication and honesty in the past four months, and it's definitely a good thing.
i am indeed still terrified of the future, and i am indeed still lacking concrete hobbies and college friends, but i feel that the fuzzy lense i was seeing all of these things through, i am slowly learning how to focus. i don't necessarily have answers for these problems, but i'm learning to cope with them and i'm learning to explore them. i have a clearer knowledge of what i want, and how to get it. and i'm trying my best to do what's right for my future and not let fears get in the way. it's a slow process that will most likely take years - after all, you can't plan your future in one brainstorming session - but i feel that things are slowly being sorted out. i'm just hoping that eventually everything will make sense and i will have a sense of accomplishment when all is said and done.
and although it's a constant struggle, i'm trying my best to cope with feelings of guilt and regret. they are my two biggest vices, but i think i've come to some conclusions. i'm learning to not regret things you’ve done, but to regret the things you haven’t done. always take chances that you're curious about. proceed with caution though, because guilt is different. there's a very fine line there. don’t try something that will test your most sacred morals; once you test those, you’ll be scarred for a very long time, and that's what i'm currently working on. guilt is harsh but i believe it's possible to heal with time.
i will continue my quest for joy, and i'm sure the spring and summer months will indeed bring plenty.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
st. louis: cavashawn and state & madison
there's nothing like driving home on a random wednesday night, only to drive there again in two days. but it's what i do, and it was well worth it.
went to my one and only class, packed up the car and was on the way to st. louis by 11:30. got home around one, threw in some laundry, went to starbucks number one, hit up guitar center and met amanda at starbucks number two. we sat and talked for a while when she pointed out the group of boys standing on the corner and noted they looked like band boys. i turned around and indeed, it was state & madison. we said a quick hello, got some dinner and made our way back to starbucks to meet emma before the show.
there was actually a line when we got to cicero's which was surprising, but exciting nevertheless. hard work and tireless promotion really does pay off. we made our way in, talked to almost everyone i think, and settled into a spot up front. cavashawn played a great set while we got very aquainted to psycho chick next to us. amanda needed a beer after that experience, so we hung back while HXC-STL band screamed for thirty minutes. state & madison was up next so we made our way back to the front and enjoyed another great set. jonah threw me a battered and bruised drumstick that's now hanging out in my backseat. i should have been creeper-fan-girl and had him sign it or something, i guess. amanda and i then confirmed our stay at the cavashawn hotel post-mojoe's show, said hurried goodbyes wishing them both safe travels to austin, and were on our way home. got back to school and was in bed by 2:30. successful trip, i say.
spring break starts after my ten minute class tomorrow. i'll be back in st. louis by 12:30. let the madness of trying to find a summer job [that works with my roadtrip/concert traveling] begin.
went to my one and only class, packed up the car and was on the way to st. louis by 11:30. got home around one, threw in some laundry, went to starbucks number one, hit up guitar center and met amanda at starbucks number two. we sat and talked for a while when she pointed out the group of boys standing on the corner and noted they looked like band boys. i turned around and indeed, it was state & madison. we said a quick hello, got some dinner and made our way back to starbucks to meet emma before the show.
there was actually a line when we got to cicero's which was surprising, but exciting nevertheless. hard work and tireless promotion really does pay off. we made our way in, talked to almost everyone i think, and settled into a spot up front. cavashawn played a great set while we got very aquainted to psycho chick next to us. amanda needed a beer after that experience, so we hung back while HXC-STL band screamed for thirty minutes. state & madison was up next so we made our way back to the front and enjoyed another great set. jonah threw me a battered and bruised drumstick that's now hanging out in my backseat. i should have been creeper-fan-girl and had him sign it or something, i guess. amanda and i then confirmed our stay at the cavashawn hotel post-mojoe's show, said hurried goodbyes wishing them both safe travels to austin, and were on our way home. got back to school and was in bed by 2:30. successful trip, i say.
spring break starts after my ten minute class tomorrow. i'll be back in st. louis by 12:30. let the madness of trying to find a summer job [that works with my roadtrip/concert traveling] begin.
Monday, March 16, 2009
columbia: state & madison and lifeinjersey
i'm in such a great mood, it's awesome. it's rare for me to be in a happy AND productive mood, but today is one of those days. the weekend and the beautiful weather has kept me thinking happy thoughts; the state and madison show on friday has kept my concert high alive. despite going alone yet again and dealing with lots of the drunk whores, friday was a fun night and the show was great. saturday and sunday involved lots of tea, coffee and dinner gatherings, and today hasn't been so bad either. i declared english as my major and sign up for classes tomorrow - french two, writing about literature, intermediate creative non-fiction writing, and writing intensive peace studies. it should be an interesting semester. i have a great schedule too; classes start at eleven on monday/wednesday/fridays, and twelve on tuesday/thursdays. i have a nice little lunch break on four out of the five days too. not enough time to go back to the apartment, but it'll be a nice hour to get some food on campus or get some studying done.
as for the rest of this week, it should be a breeze. wednesday of course is the cavashawn and state and madison show in st. louis; a bunch of friends are going so it should be a fantastic day. and then it's back to school for two days and SPRING BREAK BABY. FUCK YEAH.
as for the rest of this week, it should be a breeze. wednesday of course is the cavashawn and state and madison show in st. louis; a bunch of friends are going so it should be a fantastic day. and then it's back to school for two days and SPRING BREAK BABY. FUCK YEAH.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
st. louis: sara gazarek and the academy is
what a great weekend in st. louis. i really needed that time at home and it ended up being an awesome few days. two concerts in one weekend once again - this seems to be turning into a trend.
saturday night i went out with two friends for a nice dinner downtown and a lovely show at jazz at the bistro. i'm not a huge fan of jazz music, much less jazz singers. but wow. let me tell you, this show blew me away. jazz at the bistro is on a cute little strip on washington street, also home to the fox, powell hall, and the creepy crawl. sara gazarek was the featured singer of the night and i think my jaw was on the floor during most of her performance. her piano player was phenomenal. her bass player was insane, and her drummer has won two grammy's. not to mention her amazing abilities as well. i think all three of us enjoyed ourselves more than anticipated. the seventy five degree weather probably added to our awesome moods as well. i was wearing a strapless dress and was completely comfortable.
i don't think there was a quiet minute the whole night, we talked the whole drive there, we talked at dinner, we talked over coffee, we talked the whole way home. it was great to catch up with old friends.
sunday was also a day to look forward to. the academy is! i hadn''t seen them since warped tour and that's always a little crazy. but this was different, the show was at a venue i'd never been to before - fubar - and was an acoustic set; my favorite kind. the opener, it's all about the benjamins, was actually on my campus a few weeks ago just sitting in speakers circle playing some songs. so i was pretty stoked to see them again. the next guy, evan topenfeld, was certainly interesting to say the least. he used to play for avril lavigne, hence the reason there were a million twelve year-olds fawning over him. he wasn't bad, just a little strange. he would stop in the middle of songs and start telling a story and get way off on a bunny trail... whatever. BUT THEN. william beckett. FAN GIRL MOMENT OMG. i was pretty close to the stage because the venue isn't all that big anyway. capacity was four hundred i think. his set was great - he played some really old songs from his previous band 'remember maine', some songs off of the tai ep 'from the carpet', and some really sweet covers. it was great. i thoroughly enjoyed myself despite being alone in the semi-ghetto.
i didn't have time to talk to any of the bands, or get any pictures or anything. it was a sunday night and i still had to pick up two friends and drive the two hours back to columbia. it was almost eleven by the time we left st. louis, so i'm glad we left when we did. but man, what a great weekend. i couldn't have asked for anything better. all i have to do is make it through this week for more concerts next weekend. party on.
saturday night i went out with two friends for a nice dinner downtown and a lovely show at jazz at the bistro. i'm not a huge fan of jazz music, much less jazz singers. but wow. let me tell you, this show blew me away. jazz at the bistro is on a cute little strip on washington street, also home to the fox, powell hall, and the creepy crawl. sara gazarek was the featured singer of the night and i think my jaw was on the floor during most of her performance. her piano player was phenomenal. her bass player was insane, and her drummer has won two grammy's. not to mention her amazing abilities as well. i think all three of us enjoyed ourselves more than anticipated. the seventy five degree weather probably added to our awesome moods as well. i was wearing a strapless dress and was completely comfortable.
i don't think there was a quiet minute the whole night, we talked the whole drive there, we talked at dinner, we talked over coffee, we talked the whole way home. it was great to catch up with old friends.
sunday was also a day to look forward to. the academy is! i hadn''t seen them since warped tour and that's always a little crazy. but this was different, the show was at a venue i'd never been to before - fubar - and was an acoustic set; my favorite kind. the opener, it's all about the benjamins, was actually on my campus a few weeks ago just sitting in speakers circle playing some songs. so i was pretty stoked to see them again. the next guy, evan topenfeld, was certainly interesting to say the least. he used to play for avril lavigne, hence the reason there were a million twelve year-olds fawning over him. he wasn't bad, just a little strange. he would stop in the middle of songs and start telling a story and get way off on a bunny trail... whatever. BUT THEN. william beckett. FAN GIRL MOMENT OMG. i was pretty close to the stage because the venue isn't all that big anyway. capacity was four hundred i think. his set was great - he played some really old songs from his previous band 'remember maine', some songs off of the tai ep 'from the carpet', and some really sweet covers. it was great. i thoroughly enjoyed myself despite being alone in the semi-ghetto.
i didn't have time to talk to any of the bands, or get any pictures or anything. it was a sunday night and i still had to pick up two friends and drive the two hours back to columbia. it was almost eleven by the time we left st. louis, so i'm glad we left when we did. but man, what a great weekend. i couldn't have asked for anything better. all i have to do is make it through this week for more concerts next weekend. party on.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
into another nightmare
i'm tired and i'm in a bad mood. i feel like all i do is try and try and try. try for myself, try for other people, try for my friends. and nothing is ever good enough. i never get anywhere. i feel like i sit here all day reading and working and studying and no one else is doing anything. why don't you do anything?! why do i work ten times as hard as you, yet i still feel like i'm floundering? i'm sick of it all. the only friends i have are the ones left from high school. and it feels like a constant game of tug-of-war with some of them. i want SO MUCH to please everyone. but i can't. and i'm sorry. believe me, it kills me to see just one person upset because of me. i'm good at forgiving, but i'm terrible at forgetting. that one little jab at me probably still hurts even if it was small, and even if it was years ago. odds are, i still remember it. i'm sensitive. i want so badly to go back in time, but yet i'm trying so hard to jump forward to make up for lost time. i have so much guilt. for things i've done, and for things that i haven't. and i'm so stressed. about grades. about classes next semester. about what to do with my life at mizzou. about where it's headed because of mizzou. about the absence of solid friendships i have close to me. [the long distance ones are great... but they're just that. long distance.] about this stupid apartment next year. about things that really shouldn't stress me out. i hate it here. i hate this weather. i want to go home. where i am comfortable. i don't like new things, i don't like change.
hate hate hate.
wish wish wish.
what if, what if, what if...
if only i knew.
'and there's a demon in my head who starts to play
a nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
and i hold my breath 'till it's more than i can take
and i close my eyes
i dream that i'm awake'
hate hate hate.
wish wish wish.
what if, what if, what if...
if only i knew.
'and there's a demon in my head who starts to play
a nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
and i hold my breath 'till it's more than i can take
and i close my eyes
i dream that i'm awake'
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