“it takes a rare degree of vulnerability, a delicate emotional connection that transcends past the physical senses to make the listener feel something truly soulful. it’s as though the artist has tapped into one’s innermost sense of being.”
i don’t remember where this quote came from, but i obviously liked it because it’s saved in my ‘favorite quotes’ folder. i’ve tried for a long time to explain what music does to me; how it makes me feel. and i think this quote is the closest i’ve ever come to having an explanation.
my poetry class has gotten me thinking lately. instead of just writing, we’ve been discussing where inspiration comes from, how to discover your muse, and what exactly it is that makes poetry different from other forms of writing. and i think that’s it. that quote. it’s ‘that feeling’. i can’t quite put my finger on it, but that quote is close. ‘that feeling’ is what gets me.
more on my muses to come; i need to catch up on some sleep.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
st. louis: cavashawn and state & madison
i have a problem. i somehow get myself way too involved with the bands that i like. i guess it's just something i'm good at. i have a passion for music that supercedes just about everything in my life. i will drop everything to go to a show. and i would do about anything to be with the friends i've met through all these bands and shows. that's precisely what happened this weekend. i knew cavashawn was going to be in st. louis and amanda and i had been planning on going for a while. meesh had to 'draw the line', which is of course understandable. as much as we'd all like to drop everything and drive across the country, sometimes school and work are more important. well her definite no turned into a definite maybe in the middle of last week. the more we talked and hypothetically talked logistics, the more clear it became that the ranch crew would be back in action. things were official once she realized state & madison was playing at cicero's the night following cavashawn. i added a day to my trip, meesh's maybe turned into a hell yes, and amanda happily agreed.
`
i drove the two hours home from school and the indy girls made the five hour drive. we met at my house, went out to a nice dinner at olive garden and made our way to cicero's. there were people! lot's of them! such a huge improvement from their last show at the creepy crawl. they had fans packed up front singing along and even got an encore. i was giddy; it was a proud mom moment. i can't believe the prorgess they've made in st. louis. all the guys were really stoked about the crowd's reception and we chatted for a while after the show.
[scott - cavashawn]
[chris and jesse - cavashawn]
we also briefly met nickolas and tony, lead singer and bass player of the band state & madison who we'd be seeing the following night. i'd never seen them live, but had heard some tunage via their myspace. they gave us a bunch of promo stuff to hand out so meesh and i spent the following afternoon sitting at starbucks working on flyers. amanda had to go home to take care of her poor cat and was greatly missed.
'
[meesh hard at work while i was scarfing down pumpkin loaf]
we went down to the loop a little early to promote and eat an amazing mexican dinner at el maguey's and eventually made our way to cicero's. we enjoyed a really great show. state & madison may not be big in st. louis yet, but all they need is time. chicago obviously loves them. we chatted for a while after the show and tony proceeded to enlighten us all evening with some truly fascinating jokes and bits of random knowledge. being the socialite alter-ego i am in show settings, i expressed my love and adoration of booking and promotional work, so hopefully the ball will be rolling again in st. louis as well as in columbia, if not at mizzou itself. i love my life and where it takes me. and i love meeting all these amazing new people. i also love the budding bromance between cavashawn and state & madison and will probably cry the next time i see them together. [middle of march in st. louis, anyone?]
[tony and nickolas - state & madison]
[nickolas - state & madison]
great friends, great bands, and an overall amazing weekend. i can't express enough how much these friends mean to me. it's such a relief for me to have people who understand me and my passion for music. and it's nice to have people who don't think i'm crazy for taking roadtrips and babbling on for hours about band stories that don't matter. i love them so much for loving that part of me. it means a lot. and it's just as great becoming friends with the bands. it's different when they're you friends. it different when you're not just another crazy fan girl. there's a thin line there i think, but somehow i think all band members have a sixth sense about themselves and can pick out the good from the bad. at least that's how it seems to work with me at least. and i love it. two weekends in a row of amazing shows and amazing friends, i'm not going to know what to do with myself for a while.
all pictures courtesy of michele.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
when worlds don't quite collide
i've always had multiple groups of friends. it's just been a part of life. everyone has their typical group of high school friends. you know; they're the best, they're super close, they're always there for you. you try and schedule all the same classes together, you eat lunch together, you carpool to and from school, you join extra-curriculars together, you hang out every weekend. but for me, it was different. i didn't have time for much of a social life within the realms of high school. i had a whole different life that prevented me from doing any extra-curricular school activities and from even being able to hang out with school friends on weekends. my sport was my job, and it was serious business.
being the competetive gymnast i was for fourteen years, i practically lived at the gym. twenty hours of practice a week and a meet every other weekend across the country... it brings you really close to your teammates. these girls were some of my closest friends and they'd seen every aspect of me. when you're in that high stress and strict of an environment, it brings out both the best and the worst in poeple. those girls had seen me at my most stressed points, at my lowest of lows and sometimes literally at my breaking point. not many people experience that side of me. with all of that being said, there's still a catch with the gym girls as well. yes we got to hang out at the gym and travel together to meets. but when we were home, things were different. i lived an hour from the gym. all my teammates lived a mere ten minutes away. so seeing them outside the gym and on weekends was a joke. no mother wants to drive a two hour roundtrip for an hour of "hang out" time. once i got my license, neither did i.
fast forward to the present time. i've been out of gymnastics for a year and half, went to college and have replaced gym time with concert time. long story short, i've become partcularly fond of the music world and would do just about anything to see a show. this invlolves roadtrips and meeting friends that live in other states who i've met through various social networking sites. it sounds strange, but in this day and age with the ever so amazing technology factor, i guess not so much. but these people i've met because of varous bands have become some of my closest friends and i have shared countless memories with them. it goes without being said though, the distance factor is a big one.
then there's college. without complaining, and without trying to sound like a downer, i'll just say this. i haven't made many friends. i have the three girls i came with from high school. that's about it. i don't go out much; i'm not a huge partier. and i'm pretty quiet until you get to know me. so it's hard for me to be in a huge lecture hall with hundreds of kids buzzing around, and try to make conversation. it's just not the way i operate.
so there's my problem. i have so many different circles of friends [some still non-existant, but hey, i'm working on it] but none of them are even remotely mutual. my high school friends all live within ten minutes of me, but that's when i'm not off at school. my gym girls all live at least an hour from me. it's not often i have the time or money to go visit. and of course my 'internet friends' are very hard to come across in person. yes we have planned [and sometimes quite spontaneous] roadtrips, but those are few and far between. and the even bigger problem is the fact that i probably have the most in common with the ones that are farthest away. the internet can only do so much.
there's also the factor of the vastly different lives i live with each group - highschool, gymnastics, and 'internet' friends. i've been through four years of highschool drama and the death of a parent with my highschool friends so needless to say, we're close. they know me almost better than i know myself. so is that the real me? then there's the gym girls. the rich girls with their new coach purses every week and whose parents own private planes and live in half a million dollar homes; the girls who i spent years and years with living out my passion for gymnastics and travelling the country with. it takes a certain level of mental toughness and dedication to do what we did. is that the real me? then there's the people i've met i guess because of fate, and because we share a passion for music and enjoy supporting the bands we love. but can you really maintain close friendships purely through cyberspace? is there a point where human to human contact is neccesary? is that the real me? there are so many 'inner selves and social worlds' as my social psychology book tells me. so if there are so many different "me's", how do i figure out which one is the right one? i guess i just have to realize that all these different groups are molding me into one well-rounded person. but you have to wonder. at least i do.
i wonder which group, if any, i should choose to be one hundred percent part of. i feel as if i've just been floating around all of them without fully commiting myself. it's great to be non-commital sometimes and belong to so many different groups; that's part of what make life exciting and spontaneous. but i also get kind of worried when i feel myself leaning towards the group that i exist in via cyberspace. i feel as if i'm cheating my other friends; my 'real' friends. the friends i've had for years and years and hang out with on a weekly, sometimes daily basis; some of them i even live with. so what's a girl to do? just coexist i guess. just live within my multiple groups and try and make the best of it. and i'll see where that takes me. maybe someday i'll get lucky and all my groups will collide. that would certainly make for an entertaining experience.
being the competetive gymnast i was for fourteen years, i practically lived at the gym. twenty hours of practice a week and a meet every other weekend across the country... it brings you really close to your teammates. these girls were some of my closest friends and they'd seen every aspect of me. when you're in that high stress and strict of an environment, it brings out both the best and the worst in poeple. those girls had seen me at my most stressed points, at my lowest of lows and sometimes literally at my breaking point. not many people experience that side of me. with all of that being said, there's still a catch with the gym girls as well. yes we got to hang out at the gym and travel together to meets. but when we were home, things were different. i lived an hour from the gym. all my teammates lived a mere ten minutes away. so seeing them outside the gym and on weekends was a joke. no mother wants to drive a two hour roundtrip for an hour of "hang out" time. once i got my license, neither did i.
fast forward to the present time. i've been out of gymnastics for a year and half, went to college and have replaced gym time with concert time. long story short, i've become partcularly fond of the music world and would do just about anything to see a show. this invlolves roadtrips and meeting friends that live in other states who i've met through various social networking sites. it sounds strange, but in this day and age with the ever so amazing technology factor, i guess not so much. but these people i've met because of varous bands have become some of my closest friends and i have shared countless memories with them. it goes without being said though, the distance factor is a big one.
then there's college. without complaining, and without trying to sound like a downer, i'll just say this. i haven't made many friends. i have the three girls i came with from high school. that's about it. i don't go out much; i'm not a huge partier. and i'm pretty quiet until you get to know me. so it's hard for me to be in a huge lecture hall with hundreds of kids buzzing around, and try to make conversation. it's just not the way i operate.
so there's my problem. i have so many different circles of friends [some still non-existant, but hey, i'm working on it] but none of them are even remotely mutual. my high school friends all live within ten minutes of me, but that's when i'm not off at school. my gym girls all live at least an hour from me. it's not often i have the time or money to go visit. and of course my 'internet friends' are very hard to come across in person. yes we have planned [and sometimes quite spontaneous] roadtrips, but those are few and far between. and the even bigger problem is the fact that i probably have the most in common with the ones that are farthest away. the internet can only do so much.
there's also the factor of the vastly different lives i live with each group - highschool, gymnastics, and 'internet' friends. i've been through four years of highschool drama and the death of a parent with my highschool friends so needless to say, we're close. they know me almost better than i know myself. so is that the real me? then there's the gym girls. the rich girls with their new coach purses every week and whose parents own private planes and live in half a million dollar homes; the girls who i spent years and years with living out my passion for gymnastics and travelling the country with. it takes a certain level of mental toughness and dedication to do what we did. is that the real me? then there's the people i've met i guess because of fate, and because we share a passion for music and enjoy supporting the bands we love. but can you really maintain close friendships purely through cyberspace? is there a point where human to human contact is neccesary? is that the real me? there are so many 'inner selves and social worlds' as my social psychology book tells me. so if there are so many different "me's", how do i figure out which one is the right one? i guess i just have to realize that all these different groups are molding me into one well-rounded person. but you have to wonder. at least i do.
i wonder which group, if any, i should choose to be one hundred percent part of. i feel as if i've just been floating around all of them without fully commiting myself. it's great to be non-commital sometimes and belong to so many different groups; that's part of what make life exciting and spontaneous. but i also get kind of worried when i feel myself leaning towards the group that i exist in via cyberspace. i feel as if i'm cheating my other friends; my 'real' friends. the friends i've had for years and years and hang out with on a weekly, sometimes daily basis; some of them i even live with. so what's a girl to do? just coexist i guess. just live within my multiple groups and try and make the best of it. and i'll see where that takes me. maybe someday i'll get lucky and all my groups will collide. that would certainly make for an entertaining experience.
Monday, January 19, 2009
chicago: urbanites, we the living and cavashawn
what better way to end holiday break than with a road trip to see some amazing bands and amazing friends? absolutely nothing! i packed up my stuff friday morning and started the five and a half hour trek to chicago at around eleven thirty. the drive was relatively painless and i arrived in the windy city at around five, just as predicted. i had some trouble finding parking and got a little lost on the way there, but i eventually made my way to a starbucks along with addy and stephanie, friends from minnesota. we waited around for a little while since doors didn't open until six and we didn't want to freeze to death standing outside the venue. we eventually made our way to the beat kitchen and met up with meesh and amanda, the coolest girls ever from indiana; meesh who almost knocked me over with a hug. i hadn't seen these girls since late june and it was wonderful being reunited once again. i also got to meet meesh's parents who were both wonderful.
the show started soon after we made our way to the front; urbanites opened. i'd never heard them live before, but have heard great things about them from friends. they certainly did not disappoint and i ended up getting their cd after the show. we the living was next and i was so giddy i thought i might explode. it had been four months since i'd seen them at mizzou and that was four months too many. they of course put on a wonderful show and i think by this point the crowd had really packed in tight. cavashawn was up next and it was really great to see them play for an almost sold out venue. i'm used to st. louis shows where there are maybe twenty people. cavashawn was having a big day; they were featured in the chicago tribune, the sun-times and the red eye. not to mention they were playing an almost sold out show on a night when the temperature was in the single digits... they of course played a great set and even got called back for an encore. as soon as things were over, people were getting kicked out left and right since there was a later show. i only got a chance to briefly say hi to matt, so that was disappointing. but oh well. they'll be back in st. louis in april.
addy, stephanie and i then had quite the adventure parking my car [parallel, mind you] near the cavashawn guys' apartment and headed out in search of food. we ended up getting some chinese and eventually made our way back to the apartment. meesh and amanda were already there, along with scott, ben, chris and jesse, as well as countless friends and siblings. it was quite the little shindig. i planted myself on the couch with a glass of wine in hand and hilarity ensued. memorable moments included a forty fougars song by jesse's brother, billy mays youtube videos and general catching up with good friends. it was a great night to say the least. scott made us breakfast in the morning and we left around one thirty. i even made it out without a parking ticket! [i paid for two hours of parking when in reality i was probably there for a good six.] the drive home was long and boring of course, but it was a really great weekend. i can't wait to be with such great people again. cavashawn is playing in st. louis this friday at cicero's and i'm of course coming home after having been at school for a mere five days. but what can i say? i hate columbia and would do just about anything to see a show. amanda's coming too so it should be a good time. here are some pictures i stole from various people.
the show started soon after we made our way to the front; urbanites opened. i'd never heard them live before, but have heard great things about them from friends. they certainly did not disappoint and i ended up getting their cd after the show. we the living was next and i was so giddy i thought i might explode. it had been four months since i'd seen them at mizzou and that was four months too many. they of course put on a wonderful show and i think by this point the crowd had really packed in tight. cavashawn was up next and it was really great to see them play for an almost sold out venue. i'm used to st. louis shows where there are maybe twenty people. cavashawn was having a big day; they were featured in the chicago tribune, the sun-times and the red eye. not to mention they were playing an almost sold out show on a night when the temperature was in the single digits... they of course played a great set and even got called back for an encore. as soon as things were over, people were getting kicked out left and right since there was a later show. i only got a chance to briefly say hi to matt, so that was disappointing. but oh well. they'll be back in st. louis in april.
addy, stephanie and i then had quite the adventure parking my car [parallel, mind you] near the cavashawn guys' apartment and headed out in search of food. we ended up getting some chinese and eventually made our way back to the apartment. meesh and amanda were already there, along with scott, ben, chris and jesse, as well as countless friends and siblings. it was quite the little shindig. i planted myself on the couch with a glass of wine in hand and hilarity ensued. memorable moments included a forty fougars song by jesse's brother, billy mays youtube videos and general catching up with good friends. it was a great night to say the least. scott made us breakfast in the morning and we left around one thirty. i even made it out without a parking ticket! [i paid for two hours of parking when in reality i was probably there for a good six.] the drive home was long and boring of course, but it was a really great weekend. i can't wait to be with such great people again. cavashawn is playing in st. louis this friday at cicero's and i'm of course coming home after having been at school for a mere five days. but what can i say? i hate columbia and would do just about anything to see a show. amanda's coming too so it should be a good time. here are some pictures i stole from various people.
[we the living]
[we the living]
[cavashawn] 
[sara, paul, meesh, amanda]
[me, meesh, amanda, sam]
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
sleeping lessons
i have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night. the time at which my brain is supposed to shut down and chill out is precisely when it goes into overdrive. i think this is why it takes me at least an hour to fall asleep every night. and probably the reason i’m often up until five am. the minute i lay down, i start to think. analyze to be more precise. i analyze my entire day; what happened, the conversations i had, and how things could have gone differently if [insert something, anything] would have happened. i then start making a mental to-do list for the next day and analyze everything that’s going to happen. this is the point at which i flail my left arm and smack my touch lamp and fumble for one of the three notebooks sitting on my nightstand. i scribble out my list for the following day and any thoughts i have in my head. smack lamp again and roll over. toss. turn. toss. turn. epiphany! smack light again, repeat. i get to the point where i stress myself out so badly that i have to get up and do something besides analyze. generally, this is when i’m productive – between one and five in the morning. i’ll get up and clean, do laundry, start mapping out a blog i plan to write or obsessively organize something that really doesn’t need to be organized. it’s too bad inspiration never strikes at appropriate times. like when the rest of the world could use some of it. or when i’m trying to force out a ten page paper that's due the next day.
Sunday, January 11, 2009
[my] heart is an empty room
i cleaned my room. i cleaned my room and all my problems seemed to disappear. since when has cleaning been therapeutic for me? not until now, that's for certain. last week was a bad week; for some reason everything was upsetting me and i was working myself deeper and deeper into a pit of angst. [deeper and deeper into the kitchen floor in fetal position having a break down.] but i cleaned my room and everything in my mind - like my room - is now clean and collected. it's nicely organized and i feel like i have some direction. i emptied out my room and thus, emptied out my head of all the clutter. and it feels better. i don't want to say good, but better.
it's also weird to me that as soon as i come to the conclusion that i'm very happy being single and am in no way ready or looking for a relationship, at least four opportunities have presented themselves in the past three weeks. not saying i will or want to act on any of them, but it's weird. almost annoying. why are you mocking me, god? i tell myself i don't need anyone else, i tell myself that i'm only letting myself feel lonely. it's all in my head, i just need to find things that make me happy. for me, and for me only. i make up my mind to live for me and my happiness and BAM. so many people popping up that i don't want to let in yet. i have to figure out my heart for myself before i let someone else have a go at it. makes sense right? maybe i'm just a tease, maybe i'm being selfish. but my heart is pretty happy where it's at right now. cleaned out of all the clutter. and [i think] i would like to keep it that way for a while.
it's also weird to me that as soon as i come to the conclusion that i'm very happy being single and am in no way ready or looking for a relationship, at least four opportunities have presented themselves in the past three weeks. not saying i will or want to act on any of them, but it's weird. almost annoying. why are you mocking me, god? i tell myself i don't need anyone else, i tell myself that i'm only letting myself feel lonely. it's all in my head, i just need to find things that make me happy. for me, and for me only. i make up my mind to live for me and my happiness and BAM. so many people popping up that i don't want to let in yet. i have to figure out my heart for myself before i let someone else have a go at it. makes sense right? maybe i'm just a tease, maybe i'm being selfish. but my heart is pretty happy where it's at right now. cleaned out of all the clutter. and [i think] i would like to keep it that way for a while.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
a resolution - sort of
i guess i shouldn't start a new blog off this way. venting never ends up being very pretty. but in the time i've been blogging, i've learned that you need to be able to write for yourself, not for other people. it's hard sometimes, trying to ignore the pressure of entertaining for your halfway anonymous cyber audience. but feelings can get hurt; egos can be bruised. so i guess this is my disclaimer. sorry if you're reading this and something i say upsets you. heaven forbid i write about the people and the conflicts in my life. you're going to have to live with it. i'm going to continue to say what's on my mind and that's that. you don't have to read it if you're offended.
holiday break has been nice, don't get me wrong. it's been relaxing and it feels good to be away from the stress of school and just be at home. my real home. in st. louis. columbia still seems somewhat foreign to me. i'm not sure if it'll ever feel completely like home. it's just the way i am i guess, i get attached too easily. and since st. louis has been home to me all my life, everything else just seems like a vacation or a summer camp. but back to holiday break. i've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching. 'oh good!' you're thinking. but no, not exactly. not so good. i've just been brooding for two weeks and haven't come to any conclusions. and that's what troubles me. i haven't come to any conclusions about anything; my brain just feels more muddled than ever. i feel like i'm at a mid-life crisis, yet i'm only eighteen. i just can't seem to find direction anywhere. it feels like i'm just retreating more and more into my own mind and can't relate to anyone anymore. the few friends i do have, and the even fewer i've crawled out of bed to hang out with, i find myself harboring resent for. and for no reason at all. i'll be with some of my best friends and thinking horrible things about them. i don't want to be around any of them anymore and it's for no reason at all. just because i'm angry.
in all of this pondering of lifes' existential questions, i had hoped to maybe realize some of my passions. maybe discover a hobby, something to invest my time in. but instead i've come up with pretty much nothing. nothing new at least. nothing of which to deem a revelation. yes, i like to read. yes, i like to write. but you can only spend so many hours sitting in your room. yes, i have passion for music and a deeply rooted love for certain bands that i support. but that can only go so far; i can only do so much from behind my laptop graced with their stickers. i think part of the problem is a fear caused by gymnastics. random, but hear me out. i loved gymnastics up until a certain point. but because i'm such an obsessive perfectionist and have problems communicating my feelings in verbal forms, i pushed myself for five years to do something that i was quickly losing my love for. 'quickly losing' is actually an understatement. i ended up hating the sport with everything in me, but because i'm said obsessive perfectionist who never verbalizes her feelings, and because i was terrified to tell my parents i wanted to quit, i kept at it until i couldn't stand it anymore. i quit two weeks in to my senior year and it was the best decision of my life. but i think the fact that gymnastics so easily consumed me and i loathed it so much, has placed a fear in me. i'm so scared to become involved in anything because i fear i will end up being consumed by it, hating it, and not having a way out. and then my life will certainly spiral out of control and i will be left with nothing. i'm so afraid of getting stuck. it's like claustrophobia, but of life. that's the best way i can put my feelings into words. and i don't know how to get past it.
so i guess my problem is this. i don't know how to enjoy things anymore. it feels like i'm in this downward progression where nothing makes me happy anymore. apathy is sucking the life and personality out of me. i'm just so scared of what will happen if i can't discover any of my passions. i'm scared i'll end up with nothing from college and end up in some nine to five desk job that i hate. i'm terrified of hating my future life. but i hate where i'm at right now too. and i can't figure out how to break out of this cycle of thinking. i can't figure out how to find joy in things, how to find something i love. i can't figure out why am i so angry with everyone and everything, when no one has done anything to hurt me. why do i hurt so badly then? everything hurts me. everyone hurts me. i may not seem like it on the outside [because i can paste a great smile on my face] but i'm excruciatingly sensitive. and i'm really fragile. and if you say something, i probably overanalyze it, twist it, and feel hurt from it.
so with that off my chest, let me try and spin it all around and make a happy ending. i guess this is where the resolution comes around.
i'm going to try and do things for me. things that make me happy. it sounds selfish, but i need to worry about myself more and stop trying to make everyone else happy. i have a problem with putting too much of myself into other people - i try and fix others and want so badly for them to succeed, and for them to be happy, but i forget about myself. and it's obviously taking its toll. i'm also going to try and stop being so crippled by this social phobia i have of meeting new people. i think new minds and new words might do me some good. and i'm going to try and discover more passions. i need to find more joy in life, because things are so dark and dull from my warped perspective right now. hopefully i'll find some light at the end of the tunnel soon. let's hope this new year brings me wonderful revelations!
you can't understand what's running through my head
and you can't understand about half the words that i said
so let me paint a picture instead
these demons have left me for dead
but i'll get out of my head
help me get out
holiday break has been nice, don't get me wrong. it's been relaxing and it feels good to be away from the stress of school and just be at home. my real home. in st. louis. columbia still seems somewhat foreign to me. i'm not sure if it'll ever feel completely like home. it's just the way i am i guess, i get attached too easily. and since st. louis has been home to me all my life, everything else just seems like a vacation or a summer camp. but back to holiday break. i've been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of soul searching. 'oh good!' you're thinking. but no, not exactly. not so good. i've just been brooding for two weeks and haven't come to any conclusions. and that's what troubles me. i haven't come to any conclusions about anything; my brain just feels more muddled than ever. i feel like i'm at a mid-life crisis, yet i'm only eighteen. i just can't seem to find direction anywhere. it feels like i'm just retreating more and more into my own mind and can't relate to anyone anymore. the few friends i do have, and the even fewer i've crawled out of bed to hang out with, i find myself harboring resent for. and for no reason at all. i'll be with some of my best friends and thinking horrible things about them. i don't want to be around any of them anymore and it's for no reason at all. just because i'm angry.
in all of this pondering of lifes' existential questions, i had hoped to maybe realize some of my passions. maybe discover a hobby, something to invest my time in. but instead i've come up with pretty much nothing. nothing new at least. nothing of which to deem a revelation. yes, i like to read. yes, i like to write. but you can only spend so many hours sitting in your room. yes, i have passion for music and a deeply rooted love for certain bands that i support. but that can only go so far; i can only do so much from behind my laptop graced with their stickers. i think part of the problem is a fear caused by gymnastics. random, but hear me out. i loved gymnastics up until a certain point. but because i'm such an obsessive perfectionist and have problems communicating my feelings in verbal forms, i pushed myself for five years to do something that i was quickly losing my love for. 'quickly losing' is actually an understatement. i ended up hating the sport with everything in me, but because i'm said obsessive perfectionist who never verbalizes her feelings, and because i was terrified to tell my parents i wanted to quit, i kept at it until i couldn't stand it anymore. i quit two weeks in to my senior year and it was the best decision of my life. but i think the fact that gymnastics so easily consumed me and i loathed it so much, has placed a fear in me. i'm so scared to become involved in anything because i fear i will end up being consumed by it, hating it, and not having a way out. and then my life will certainly spiral out of control and i will be left with nothing. i'm so afraid of getting stuck. it's like claustrophobia, but of life. that's the best way i can put my feelings into words. and i don't know how to get past it.
so i guess my problem is this. i don't know how to enjoy things anymore. it feels like i'm in this downward progression where nothing makes me happy anymore. apathy is sucking the life and personality out of me. i'm just so scared of what will happen if i can't discover any of my passions. i'm scared i'll end up with nothing from college and end up in some nine to five desk job that i hate. i'm terrified of hating my future life. but i hate where i'm at right now too. and i can't figure out how to break out of this cycle of thinking. i can't figure out how to find joy in things, how to find something i love. i can't figure out why am i so angry with everyone and everything, when no one has done anything to hurt me. why do i hurt so badly then? everything hurts me. everyone hurts me. i may not seem like it on the outside [because i can paste a great smile on my face] but i'm excruciatingly sensitive. and i'm really fragile. and if you say something, i probably overanalyze it, twist it, and feel hurt from it.
so with that off my chest, let me try and spin it all around and make a happy ending. i guess this is where the resolution comes around.
i'm going to try and do things for me. things that make me happy. it sounds selfish, but i need to worry about myself more and stop trying to make everyone else happy. i have a problem with putting too much of myself into other people - i try and fix others and want so badly for them to succeed, and for them to be happy, but i forget about myself. and it's obviously taking its toll. i'm also going to try and stop being so crippled by this social phobia i have of meeting new people. i think new minds and new words might do me some good. and i'm going to try and discover more passions. i need to find more joy in life, because things are so dark and dull from my warped perspective right now. hopefully i'll find some light at the end of the tunnel soon. let's hope this new year brings me wonderful revelations!
you can't understand what's running through my head
and you can't understand about half the words that i said
so let me paint a picture instead
these demons have left me for dead
but i'll get out of my head
help me get out
and if i'm sitting in silence
[staring at ghosts]
you ought to know
Friday, January 2, 2009
a fresh start
never in my life did i think i would leave my precious xanga. we've been through a lot in the past three and a half years. for the most part, xanga holds my high school memories. but time keeps on and i've been living in the past. i'm in college now and and am well overdue for a new blog. what better time to start, than with the new year? so here i am; starting fresh with a brand new site in a brand new year.
this past year has probably been the hardest of my life. the death of my mom was constantly on my mind, and it's something i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. it was a difficult adjustment, continuing to live my life without my mom at my side. i never realized i had such a poor relationship with my dad until her death. but in good news, i can say our relationship has improved this past year. i also graduated high school, a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. with the end of highschool came the big decision - college. i chose Mizzou - close enough to come home on the weekends; far enough to feel independent. with the end of highschool also came some drastic changes. i lost some very close friends, but gained new ones as well. this summer was definitely a learning experience for me, and helped me to focus in on some of the morals that i now consider very important and hold close to my heart. summertime also introduced me to (in a literal sense) a lot of friends i had met through concerts and the internet. i can proudly say that some of these people are now considered close friends in which i confide in regularly. although i have met some of them only a few times, they are still very important to me. the summer all too quickly came to an end and i threw myself into college not knowing what to expect in the least. long story short, first semester was a trip to hell and back. but it has been a huge learning experience for me and although i can't say i'm exactly looking forward to second semster, i know i have a lot to learn. i hope to continue searching for that perfect career path, and i'm hoping it will be in the music industry, through one way or another. i have a passion for music like you wouldn't believe and i have a little furnace burning in my heart that i am confident will get me where i'm supposed to be.
so that was 2008. here's to 2009. i'm anxious to see what it has in store for me; and i'm excited to share all the up's and down's of it right here.
this past year has probably been the hardest of my life. the death of my mom was constantly on my mind, and it's something i will have to deal with for the rest of my life. it was a difficult adjustment, continuing to live my life without my mom at my side. i never realized i had such a poor relationship with my dad until her death. but in good news, i can say our relationship has improved this past year. i also graduated high school, a huge relief and weight off my shoulders. with the end of highschool came the big decision - college. i chose Mizzou - close enough to come home on the weekends; far enough to feel independent. with the end of highschool also came some drastic changes. i lost some very close friends, but gained new ones as well. this summer was definitely a learning experience for me, and helped me to focus in on some of the morals that i now consider very important and hold close to my heart. summertime also introduced me to (in a literal sense) a lot of friends i had met through concerts and the internet. i can proudly say that some of these people are now considered close friends in which i confide in regularly. although i have met some of them only a few times, they are still very important to me. the summer all too quickly came to an end and i threw myself into college not knowing what to expect in the least. long story short, first semester was a trip to hell and back. but it has been a huge learning experience for me and although i can't say i'm exactly looking forward to second semster, i know i have a lot to learn. i hope to continue searching for that perfect career path, and i'm hoping it will be in the music industry, through one way or another. i have a passion for music like you wouldn't believe and i have a little furnace burning in my heart that i am confident will get me where i'm supposed to be.
so that was 2008. here's to 2009. i'm anxious to see what it has in store for me; and i'm excited to share all the up's and down's of it right here.
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