a french epiphany

so i think i’ve had some sort of epiphany. but it’s three thirty am and i’m listening to déjà entendu. and the combination of those two things often bring on such feelings for me… but i’m just gonna go with it. you know that feeling you get? when you listen to music? and that particular artist, album, song, whatever… it just GETS you? it MAKES PERFECT SENSE? like totally captures a moment, a feeling, a fleeting glimpse of SOMETHING? well maybe not. you’re not all freaks like me. but i know SOMEONE has to know what i’m talking about. i think i’ve written maybe half of all my blog entries about this... if it’s getting old, stop reading already, for your own sake. but otherwise, i shall continue.

i was watching paris, je t’aime the other night and something hit me. there is one particular vignette with an american woman speaking very obviously poor french. it’s a story about how she went to france by herself, to just be a tourist and take in the city of paris after taking two years of the french language. now, i’ve been to paris and let me tell you… it’s not a place to tour alone. mad props to this woman for taking on such a task. throughout her rather elementary french monologue, we get the idea that she is a kind of frumpy older woman, without any close family, lovers or friends in her life. to put it bluntly, she’s kind of a nerd. she seems so lonely, but is okay with it. you really start to ache for her. she’s in paris, the city of love, completely alone and just taking in the sights and sounds. that takes guts. but there is one particular scene that just smacked me across the face and i haven’t been able to get it out of my head since. she’s sitting on a park bench eating lunch alone, looking around at all the people. and she begins to describe this feeling she has never felt before. she goes on to explain that it is the sense of feeling complete happiness and utter sadness at the same time.

now maybe it was because i could actually understand all of her french (i’ve had about four years of it) and that made it a little more magical, but HOLY SHIT does anyone else hear the angels singing praises? because i sure do. that just made SO MUCH FREAKING sense to me. that’s what ‘that feeling’ is. that feeling that music gives me; it’s complete happiness and utter sadness AT THE SAME TIME. does that make some sort of twisted masochist? i’m not sure, but i’m definitely excited to have put that feeling into at least some sort of words. ahh, closure.

when wooden soldiers catch their breath

i almost miss room 314. not the room, but everything i learned and everything i experienced. that room holds so many memories, and although most of them were not positive, it's still a part of my life. a whole year took place in that room and i grew and matured so much there. all the happiness, all the sadness, all the loneliness, all the hurt, all the ups and downs. all the times my friends came to visit. all the times i hated it with everything in me. so many times i cried in that room openly in front of brianna. the times she hugged me. and the times she ignored me. the times i cried in bed in silence. the times i ran out and cried in the stairwell. the bathroom. the smoking table. and the time i cried at the smoking table in front of the stoned kid who told me everything would be okay. so many times i cried. and i miss it? what? i don't know either. but i do know how many internal decisions i made about life, and morals and friends and everything in between.

everything was so real there. i had to face everything, because it was just a tiny box of a room. i had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. but now i'm home. and i'm already slipping into the mold of last summer. and i'm not sure how i feel about that yet. because my place to run to closed today. my second home is now closed. i know it's silly to feel so strongly about a starbucks, but i can't begin to make anyone understand what that place means to me. it was an anti-gymnastics bubble, it was an anti-leukemia bubble, it was a niche of nothing; therefore a niche of everything. and even though i don't talk to all the people that work there everyday or hang out with them on a daily basis, they mean more to me than they or anyone else can understand.

i hate feeling guilty. and i hate this burden.

postsecret

it's only been two phones and a year and a half for me, but i do the same thing. and i even know that the girl with my mom's old number is named ashley.

when you least expect it, expect it

I said, ‘Hey you, this is me. The idealist inside that holds your hope on a string, wound and tied like kites to all of your dreams and regrets. What a tangled mess that they’ve turned out to be. Take a breath, and ask yourself what matters.’

Days like masquerades, silent, hiding in the shadows,
stripped of their disguise leave you haunted as you scatter.
But you’re always on my mind.
You're always on my mind.

from william beckett's blog. i just had to share it. because it makes so much sense to me.

columbia: jack's mannequin + SUMMER

my first year of college is now complete. holy shit. i still feel like a little kid, and even though i have a major, i still feel like i have no idea what i'm doing. i feel like those nine months were some kind of weird summer camp or vacation, and i'm getting back to real life now. but in reality it's the exact opposite. that was real life, this is the vacation. i'm just happy it's summer though, no complaints here!

to start my break off right, i of course went to a show. one of the most epic shows of all time in fact. matt nathanson and jack's mannequin! i could ramble on forever, but i'll just cover my bases. packed up the room and my dad took everything home around two, and i went downtown for coffee and decided to go ahead and get in line at around three. doors were at six thirty, so needless to say i made friends with the people around me and we traded concert stories for the next few hours. it's not so scary going to shows alone anymore.

so the show was amazing, but i was exhausted by the end and was very ready to head home. i made it to my car, only to find out it wouldn't start. i almost asked for a jump, but tried it one more time and away she went. so i was planning on just driving straight home without stopping for food or gas, but i was pretty sure i wouldn't make it quite all the way back. so i stopped in kingdom city for gas, and that's where my poor baby died. for good this time. the gas station attendant gave me a jump and let the battery charge for a while, but to no avail. so i called my dad at one in the morning who begrudgingly agreed to buy a new battery and come save me. so we ended up getting home around four or five and i crashed HARD. and have been cleaning and unpacking ever since. it never ends!

of all the classes i've taken, and all the things i've learned from textbooks and lectures this year, that knowledge doesn't even come close to the life skills i've learned. here's a brief list for your reading enjoyment. consider it a sort of "life lessons/advice for future college freshmen".


1. don't assume rooming with your best friend will work out. it's like a slumber party for maybe a week, then it gets real old real fast. you will eventually despise living with each other.

2. during move in week, TALK TO PEOPLE. leave your door open, be friendly, and say hi to everyone. if they ask you come over and watch a movie, do it. if they ask you to join them at dinner, do it. if they inform you of a party, go. i learned the hard way.

3. buy an umbrella. buy rain boots. AND USE THEM. you might think they're retarded since you're a pretentious high school bitch, but you'll appreciate them at college. because if you're getting drenched on your fifteen minute hike to class, everyone will be laughing at you.

4. take advantage of your meal plan. and be sure to use up all your points at the end of the week. i had perpetually free breakfast foods thanks to my leftover points. i even came home with two whole jars of peanut butter!

5. use shower shoes. you don't want to end up like brianna with nasty warts on your feet.

6. offer to drive. chances are you're the only one with a car and people will be more than happy to give you gas money.

7. take advantage of free food. anywhere. everywhere. all the time.

8. set some ground rules about sharing food, when boyfriends/girlfriends can be over, etc.

9. buy some headphones. not everyone likes your shitty country music. not everyone likes your shitty grindcore.

10. a laptop and printer are not absolutely necessary items. there are hundreds or them all over campus. buy a flash drive instead.

11. never do laundry on a sunday night. everyone else does theirs on sunday nights.

12. don't go home every other weekend like i did. you won't make friends.

13. GO TO CLASS. you would be surprised how much money you're wasting even by skipping just one class a week.

14. NEVER TAKE EIGHT AM CLASSES if you can help it. you did it in high school, yes. but something happens that last summer before you leave. it's not physically possible anymore, i promise you.

15. STUDY. when all you have are three tests grades in a semester long class, you can't afford to bomb any of them.

16. there are no places to cry in private. plan accordingly. times when your roommate is in class, bathroom stalls, showers, stairwells, smoking tables, and in bed late at night are your best bets. not that i know from numerous experiences or anything.

17. and most of all, have fun. after all, it is college. take some risks, stay out late, go party and get a little crazy. just be responsible and be safe. there aren't any parents to bail you out of the shit you get yourself in to.

you can breathe, you can breathe now

screw the countdown, i'm going home TOMORROW. long story short, my schedule got switched around and i'm technically done with everything as of five thirty today instead of thursday. BUT i've had this matt nathanson/jack's mannequin ticket for about two months now and there's no way in hell i'm letting it go to waste. so i'm packing tonight and dad's coming tomorrow afternoon to help me move out. while he drives everything home, i'm waiting it out until the show, then going home afterwards. the things i do for music...

summer, here i come!

the last few pages

ten more days.

this chapter of my life is soon coming to a close and i couldn't be more glad. dorm life just isn't for me. i can't wait for the privacy of my own room in the apartment. i can't wait for the freedom to walk out the door and get in my car and go - the ten minute walk this year has left me feeling so trapped. i can't wait to be able to operate on my own accord. i can't wait to stay up until whenever i like, and get up whenever i like, without having to worry about bothering my roommate. i can't wait to have as much alone time as needed. and most of all, i can't wait to have a private place to cry when i need to.

barcelona, copeland, third eye blind, and bon iver all give me the same indescribable feeling. it's perfect. i want to lay here forever and revel in the experience of their music.