not so tough found out

i've always been a little crazy. but that's nothing out of the ordinary. we're all crazy. when i was really young, i had this strange fixation with the number six. [pair that with the stereotypical redhead temper and yes, i was truly a spawn of satan.] i would count to six, and then i would have to do that six times. and once that set was complete, i would do all of that six times, and keep on going. there were also the strange noises. i would lay in bed at night and make these "duh duh duh" sounds with my tongue in particular little rhythms. and i could only be done when i was satisfied with the rhythm and it felt finished. like i said, a little crazy.

now my crazy nuances are stress-related. i had my first panic attack two summers ago and it was the scariest, most traumatic experience of my life. granted, my state of mind was a bit altered, but regardless, it took me a good while to fully get over that. and then it happened again, and pretty soon i had myself conditioned to where smoking pot meant having a panic attack. needless to say, i haven't smoked anymore. so unfortunately, that has planted the thought in the back of my mind about having another attack. and the most recent addition to that worry, is my breathing habits. i can't get a full breath in, which makes me freak out and sometimes hyperventilate. this in turn leads to an attack. and thus, the cycle repeats itself.

well i got tired of the cycle. because it was getting in the way of living my life, and preventing me from sleeping. so i finally made a decision and scheduled an appointment to see someone. and i have learned that i am not alone. and that there are solutions to the problem. and that i am not as crazy as i think i am. *sigh of relief!* what you think about me, however, is another story i guess.