a moment of clarity

i’m going to be blunt, so i’m sorry if any feelings get hurt.

since this past summer, i have changed so much, as a person. mentally, emotionally, morally, spiritually and in other manners as well. i’ve been doing a lot of thinking these past few months – almost a year now – this has been a long and very painful process, believe me. and i’ve come to some conclusions. i’m not the person i used to be in high school, although sometimes i’d really like to be. i had the perfect happy family with the perfect circle of friends, surrounded by teachers who knew me and most who adored me. i’m not the person i was this summer either. that person is the result of too much pain at one time – and i went wild looking for happiness in other places. the combination of my mom’s death and the painful break up of my close knit group of friends sent me searching in places i had never explored. well i finally explored them. and had a ton of fun, the most fun i had had in a good long while, and i was finally happy. however, it took some time, but i soon realized just how much pain i was causing other people, the people i had the “break up” with. they had been by my side for so long and through so much, that i just couldn’t ignore them forever. and i realized just how different i had become, just how warped all of my senses had become. i was slowly throwing my life away and was slowly creeping down the drain. i didn’t want to be on this path anymore. my emotions were kept numbed – which is never a good way to deal with them, some of my morals and standards had gone out the window and i was in a serious rut with my spirituality. after much said thought, i decided to put a stop to the person i was turning into, and try and resume being the “perfect” girl i was in high school. needless to say after being away from this “perfect” lifestyle and “perfect” group of people for almost five months, it was difficult for me to re-assimilate myself into “the group”. so i came to the conclusion that it just didn’t exist anymore. things change, and people change too. but i made it my goal to find something close, and something that would accept the inevitable changes in me that have occurred. i realize i’m not going to stay the same person forever, but i’m just trying to find the better path i was on in the first place, rather than the wrong one i took in the summer. so this has been my current endeavor, and let’s just say it’s a current work in progress.

i know that some of you have probably noticed you’re not in my life as much as you used to be. and that is the result of a lot of agonizing hours of my thoughts and decisions. and it’s all for good reason. it might be hard to understand, and some of you might never get it. but i’m doing what is best for me. and for my health – mental, emotional, moral, spiritual – all of the things previously mentioned. i know it sucks, but sometimes you just need to do what is necessary. i’m sorry. i really am. but i just can’t be the person you want me to be anymore. i need this change so badly in order to bring peace and happiness into my life. so please respect that. i beg you to please respect that.

this probably sounds more dramatic than how it actually played out, and i have no doubt that is true. but what i felt inside of me, and all the emotions i experienced and all the thought put into this, are not dramatized at all.

i know i’m very different than i used to be. some like it, some don’t. take me how you will. i know i’m judgmental; i prefer to call it outspoken on things that i feel opinionated about. and i know i can be difficult at times. i also realize just how many different roles that i play. and i’ve decided to just embrace all of them. and let them all bring to the table what they may; and from there i will choose what to feast on.