semi-charmed life

there have been so many shows lately, that my life has gotten a little lost in the shuffle. so this update is as much for me as it is for you, because i have a lot built up in my head and heart and sometimes you've just gotta get it out on the table.

the end of march was when concert and roadtrip life started to slow down a little, and i was looking forward to a relaxing spring break and month of april ahead of me. just enough concerts to keep me happy, but not so many that my sanity would suffer. but the last week in march brought a pretty big blow to my life. my best friend, we'll call her a, broke up with her boyfriend, we'll call him c, of three years. how does that effect me, you ask? well a is my best friend, has been for a good eight years. and i'm the one responsible for bringing a and c together. so naturally, over the years, and throughout lots of nervous date walk-throughs, c and i have become good friends. so between dealing with my best friend, who's not the most emotionally stable person, and trying to get the ex-boy to communicate with me, it's been draining. it's not a complaint, because i love them both and would do anything in a heartbeat to help them out, but it sucks watching your best friend go through a really shitty time [her first break up, too], and it sucks trying to find the right words to comfort both sides of it.

then there was spring break. the week was great, precisely because i didn't have shit to do and had my birthday to look to at the end of the week. so saturday rolled around, birthday eve, and i got to spend some quality time with some close friends. my actual birthday [easter as well]  was spent at my grandma's house with the whole family. we celebrated all three of the cousin's birthdays as well as easter, and had some amazing food and cake, and good times all around. i headed back to school late that night already stressing about the week to come, but content with the happenings of spring break. but monday morning brought some terrible and shocking news. my grandma, [dad's mom] whose house i was at less than twenty four hours before, and who had cooked the entire family a great easter meal, had died in her sleep. it may sound crass, but of the three grandparents i have living, she was the one i would have least expected to go first. so when i returned my dad's missed call at nine thirty that morning, it was quite the blow. i drove home to st. louis on wednesday for the visitation, and stayed through thursday morning for the funeral, and then promptly drove back to columbia in time for class. i don't deal well with death, because my problem is actually dealing with death in the first place. i'm fine right now, but only because i haven't really dealt with it yet. but it'll hit me sooner or later; it was the same way with my mom.

and now here i am, home in st. louis once again for the weekend, probably headed back to columbia sometime soon. when i'm at school all settled in my apartment, i'm fine and i'm happy. only a teeny longing for home. but when i actually get home and experience everything i love about this city, i realize just how much i miss it and love it. it's an overwhelming rush of emotion every single time i come home, and it makes me dread going back to school. and once again, after yesterday, i am so hungry for music life, band life, van life, tourng life, something or everything of that sort of life. seeing my band friends makes my world go round, more than any of them can begin to understand. and meeting new people who have that same passion makes it even better. especially when i connect so easily and so quickly, and especially when we end up texting back and forth all night long, and especially when we agree on a lot of things that i hold to be very important. i feel like yesterday was a huge "sort-of-missed" connection. yeah, we got to talk all day. and texting and the internet have their plus sides, but they have their downsides as well. i believe whole-heartedly that this would really be something if i didn't always connect with the ones who live life on the road. because real connections start face to face, and at least i have that much going for me. but real connections are built and upheld face to face as well, and i'm not sure if that part's gonna work out. there are only a handful of people that i've ever connected with so easily and who actually reciprocate exactly what i'm feeling. that's such a rarity these days. this could be nothing at all, but this could be something completely different, yet something i've been searching for all along. is this the opportunity that i've been waiting on for so long to fall in my lap or has my mind already taken things to far? we shall see, i guess.