genuine thoughts

there has been a brief lull in shows and to be honest, i'm breathing a sigh of relief. there isn't much going on in that aspect of my life [besides fall formal] until december. as much as i love the lifestyle of traipsing about the country to hear amazing bands and see good friends, it's difficult to balance with the demands of school and always-looming deadlines. the stress was accumulating and i apparently wasn't dealing with it too well, especially in the past two weeks or so. i was on the verge of a panic attack for a while, and actually talked myself out of one that started to come on in class one day... i guess that's progress? avoidance, when it comes to panic attacks at least, is a good thing. but regardless, the end of all that came with the end of last week. the weekend was full of nothing, and that's precisely what i needed. this week has been pretty low key too and i'm glad of it.

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this blog has pretty much turned into a list of show reviews, but i think i'm okay with that. my previous blogs were so riddled with depressing stories and teen angst and emo lyrics that i'm surprised i had any readers at all. i'm not sharing as many personal stories here as i thought i would, but i think that might be a good thing. sometimes ambiguity is good and a little mystery makes me all the more intriguing, right? ha, just kidding. i definitely have a lot going on in my head still; that will never ever change. but i think it's better to leave those things where they are. if i really need to get those thoughts out in writing, i have another blog that's private. plus, i'm trying new things with that private outlet. a friend suggested to me once to just try typing - no going back and fixing things, no spell check, no deleting, just keep on typing. as difficult as that is for me, being a perfectionist and a bit obsessive-compulsive, it's probably good exercise for my brain. plus, i think the more pure and unedited your thoughts are, the more meaning they have.

as for other aspects of my life, [besides music and show related] things are going really well. i probably should leave the past in the past and not even make the comparison... but compared to last year, this year is paradise. roommate tensions have dissolved, friend tensions have dissolved, weird band tensions have dissolved. gymnastics has finally stopped haunting my dreams [yes, literally]. and i feel like the four year depression i was stuck in is finally lifting. i have purpose, for the most part, at school as an english major. in fact, i'm so ahead that i could technically be classified as a junior if i wanted to take an extra class next semester. but i'm not, because i'm content with being normal. i'm done being "that girl" from high school. i'm enjoying my classes right now, too. we're reading one english classic after another in my literature class - pride and prejudice, jane eyre, lord byron's poetry, david copperfield, and the picture of dorian gray - and i'm loving every second of my non-fiction class; it's a great outlet for stories i have, until recently, yet to tell. two weeks until thanksgiving break, then it's only a few more weeks until the semester is over; time really flies. next semester should work out pretty well too; i'll post more on that when i get my schedule finalized. there are always the inevitable things that will continue to haunt my thoughts though.

this halloween marked the two year anniversary of my mom's death, and this past monday would have been her fifty-first birthday. naturally, that was hard. time goes by so fast, but then again so excruciatingly slow. whoever said that time heals all wounds... they lied. plain and simple. so of course that is a constant source of thought and worry and pain and whatever way it might manifest itself. i still think about her everyday and the pain is still there. maybe numbed a little, but it's still there regardless. there are also the constant worries about the future, but i'm trying to settle my mind with the thoughts of just getting through college before i deal with "real life." i have so many friends in the industry that i want to be a part of that i'm sure it will work itself out when the time comes; i just can't help but agonize over it. and then of course, being the nineteen year old girl that i am, there are the boys. and they steal all the extra space in my head. so many heart aches they cause and i'm sure they have no idea. but i'm never one for confrontation [it wouldn't do any good anyway] so i just keep it safely in my head. so much torture and agonizing over ridiculous things though - a specific phone call here, a certain text there. all in front of me to pick apart until there is nothing left. [there probably never was in the first place, but i have a thing for holding on to false hopes.] i fall for the ones that i can't have. the ones that fall for me, i don't want. and that's just how it goes.

to end on a positive note though:
1. tomorrow signifies that the week is halfway over!
2. i'm visiting my best friend on saturday and seeing regina spektor with her!
3. we're having thanksgiving dinner on sunday amongst my group of friends!

thus, my life.
and everything just keeps on going.