into another nightmare

i'm tired and i'm in a bad mood. i feel like all i do is try and try and try. try for myself, try for other people, try for my friends. and nothing is ever good enough. i never get anywhere. i feel like i sit here all day reading and working and studying and no one else is doing anything. why don't you do anything?! why do i work ten times as hard as you, yet i still feel like i'm floundering? i'm sick of it all. the only friends i have are the ones left from high school. and it feels like a constant game of tug-of-war with some of them. i want SO MUCH to please everyone. but i can't. and i'm sorry. believe me, it kills me to see just one person upset because of me. i'm good at forgiving, but i'm terrible at forgetting. that one little jab at me probably still hurts even if it was small, and even if it was years ago. odds are, i still remember it. i'm sensitive. i want so badly to go back in time, but yet i'm trying so hard to jump forward to make up for lost time. i have so much guilt. for things i've done, and for things that i haven't. and i'm so stressed. about grades. about classes next semester. about what to do with my life at mizzou. about where it's headed because of mizzou. about the absence of solid friendships i have close to me. [the long distance ones are great... but they're just that. long distance.] about this stupid apartment next year. about things that really shouldn't stress me out. i hate it here. i hate this weather. i want to go home. where i am comfortable. i don't like new things, i don't like change.

hate hate hate.
wish wish wish.
what if, what if, what if...
if only i knew.


'and there's a demon in my head who starts to play
a nightmare tape loop of what went wrong yesterday
and i hold my breath 'till it's more than i can take
and i close my eyes
i dream that i'm awake'