every burden has a version

there are so many of me. i am so many different people. and i'm not sure what to do about it. i'm trying so hard to figure out who i am and what i want, and what i should want - my morals, my friends, who and what to cherish the most; who and what to put the most of my effort into. it's hard enough asking these questions of myself, but it's even harder when i have friends begging answers to the same questions. because i don't know. plain and simple. i don’t know.

i feel like i have multiple personalities.

there's the goody two shoes, perfectionist with a 4.32 gpa girl from high school, there's the “ i’m better than all of you” bitch that lived and breathed gymnastics, there's the too crazy, too care-free, pot smoking girl from this summer, there’s the socialite who thrives at concerts and in music-related situations, and now there's me in the here and now, trying to comprehend all of these personalities, trying to decide which one is the best. and most of all, which one will make the most people the most happy. because that's all i seem to be able to care about. i make myself miserable by trying to make other people happy. i want everyone to like me. i want everyone to be friends. when it comes to guilt and regret, I run into big problems. i feel guilty no matter what i do, no matter which person i choose to be. because none of those personalities can please everyone, none of them can please every person from every facet of my life. and frankly, few of them even please me anymore. it's just not working. and it absolutely kills me. i feel bad for letting some people go, i feel bad for keeping some people around. i'm frustrated. i’m frustrated because i’m frustrating all the people i love the very most, and they're getting to the point where they're sick of waiting around. and i understand, i really do. but i absolutely can't afford to lose them. i've come to realize that i'm growing up and growing out of some friendships. and that's fine. i get it. i get that we're not friends anymore. you don't need to pretend. but there are a select few that i NEED in order to function.

i. am. stuck.

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an update on my resolution at the beginning of this blog, from january 6th.
as requested.

after rereading that post, i realize just how many circles i've gone in. sometimes i really can see the light at the end of the tunnel. sometimes it's so bright i even have to take a few steps back. other times i feel like i've regressed. but overall, i feel i've made some progress.

the friends that resentment was being harbored for, there are still problems with. but i've reached a point of maturity i think, where talking face to face about things is no longer an issue. this is a big step for me, i'm never one for direct confrontation. i'd much rather have a catfight via text or facebook message. but i've learned plenty of lessons from that. and believe me, it's not a good idea. face to face conversations are the best way to solve any sort of issue hands down. i have learned a lot about communication and honesty in the past four months, and it's definitely a good thing.

i am indeed still terrified of the future, and i am indeed still lacking concrete hobbies and college friends, but i feel that the fuzzy lense i was seeing all of these things through, i am slowly learning how to focus. i don't necessarily have answers for these problems, but i'm learning to cope with them and i'm learning to explore them. i have a clearer knowledge of what i want, and how to get it. and i'm trying my best to do what's right for my future and not let fears get in the way. it's a slow process that will most likely take years - after all, you can't plan your future in one brainstorming session - but i feel that things are slowly being sorted out. i'm just hoping that eventually everything will make sense and i will have a sense of accomplishment when all is said and done.

and although it's a constant struggle, i'm trying my best to cope with feelings of guilt and regret. they are my two biggest vices, but i think i've come to some conclusions. i'm learning to not regret things you’ve done, but to regret the things you haven’t done. always take chances that you're curious about. proceed with caution though, because guilt is different. there's a very fine line there. don’t try something that will test your most sacred morals; once you test those, you’ll be scarred for a very long time, and that's what i'm currently working on. guilt is harsh but i believe it's possible to heal with time.

i will continue my quest for joy, and i'm sure the spring and summer months will indeed bring plenty.